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Dear Amy,

I’ve been dating my girlfriend for a year now and I really like her, but she’s super clingy. She wants to spend all of her free time together and it’s starting to feel like too much. How can I get some space without hurting her feelings?

Sincerely, Suffocating Steve

Dear Suffocating Steve,

Oh, Steve, you’ve got yourself a “Stage 5 Clinger,” but don’t worry, I’ve got a foolproof strategy. 

Start by acting as clingy as she is, times ten. Text her every two minutes asking where she is, what she’s doing and if she’s thinking about you right now. 

Show up to her work with a picnic lunch, complete with candles and soft music. If she’s not answering her phone, send out a search party (bonus points if you hire a helicopter). Pretty soon, she’ll start to think she needs space from you and voila! Problem solved.

Alternatively, you could become really, really boring. Start talking non-stop about obscure topics like the history of salt or the art of taxidermy. Every time she wants to hang out, offer to show her a six-hour documentary about the migration patterns of geese. Trust me, nothing drives someone away faster than the phrase, “Did you know salt used to be used as currency?”

If that hasn’t driven her away, fake a super weird hobby — something like extreme stamp collecting. Spend your weekends combing through mailboxes in search of rare stamps and be sure to make her sit through hours of you explaining your “collection.” Soon, she’ll be begging for some space herself.

If all else fails, you could try talking to her. Open communication is key in relationships. Let her know how much you enjoy spending time together, but also explain that you need some time for yourself to recharge.

Emphasize that it’s not about wanting to be away from her, but rather about maintaining a healthy balance in the relationship. 

You can’t make another person your whole existence. Encourage her to pursue her own hobbies and friendships so that you both have a bit of breathing room.

Best of bad advice,

Amy